Suffering in Silence
by Dixxy Mouri
Summary: Even since before joining Monkey D. Luffy, Sanji has been hiding behind his smile, struggling with who he is and who he wants to be. Written for Tumblr's #32DaysOfSanji event. Spoilers for Chapter 811 .
1. Family

Suffering in Silence  
By Dixxy Mouri  
Family (Baratie)

For ten years, the old man was nothing but the crusty old pirate who'd seen fit to take him in because he'd said something about wanting to see the All Blue. It was kind of strange, really – it was the first time someone had cared about him at all because of who he was, and not because of, well, who he _was_. It was something that had taken a while to really "click" in Sanji's head, a strange and foreign feeling after spending the first nine years of his life with . . . _them_.

Sanji didn't talk about his birth family, lying through his teeth that he'd been an orphan when Zeff took him in. Some days he wondered if the old man knew, but he suspected that he didn't care. He loved to cook, he loved his restaurant, and the notion that one day Sanji would leave to find the All Blue for the two of them kept him happy.

And yet he was stuck.

There had been a number of occasions that he could have gone, but he always, without fail, got cold feet. While it was true he didn't want to leave Zeff by himself, even after the likes of Patty and Carne and the other chefs had started to show up, the image of his father's cruel, cunning smile crept into his mind's eyes and he ultimately decided to stay, yelling about any reason he could think of but the truth. He didn't want _anyone_ to know who he really was or why he refused to leave.

Let them think he was stubborn; it was better than them knowing he was a coward.

Every chance he had to leave and find the All Blue ended the same – he'd find himself back in his tiny room in the Baratie, frustrated with himself and hating how damn hard it was to just _go_. He wanted to find that sea – for himself, for the old man, for both of them – but he knew the All Blue wasn't the only thing waiting for him on the Grand Line. And the longer he waited, the angrier _he_ would be with him once he found him.

Sanji did not want to be found.

Then again, he didn't think any of them, even Zeff, had any idea just how terrifying the Grand Line could be. From what Zeff had told him they hadn't gotten that far in the year they'd traversed that sea – they didn't even cross the Red Line at Mariejoa. Sanji, meanwhile, had seen bits and pieces of both halves already, due to _their_ unusual situation.

It wasn't until the roof was destroyed by that stray cannonball that Sanji finally found a reason to leave, and finally understood that there was a third reason he couldn't bring himself to leave his beloved Baratie. For all its flaws and jerks and the old geezer, it was, after all, his home. It made him forget that he'd spent most of his young life on the run because, in all honesty, he felt safe there.

The day he left with his captain, he realized these men were his _real_ brothers and uncles and cousins, and that his _real_ dad was the old man with the wooden leg. They were, in their own strange way, his family, and this time, leaving his family was actually painful. These people loved him. These people wanted him to be happy.

And as Sanji found himself kneeling on the deck of the Baratie, showing his gratitude towards the old man, he realized just how much he wanted them to be happy, too. He needed to make them proud, and that meant it was time to stop running away from his dreams out of fear for what might happen and start running towards that dream, even if he was still scared.

Sanji didn't want to leave his family, but it didn't take long for him to find himself a member of another.

Author's Notes

Hey guys, so here's my first foray into Tumblr's #32DaysOfSanji celebration.

Because of how much I've got on my plate I'm keeping this one short-ish side.

So the angle I'm taking is that, basically, when you look back through One Piece you can see that there are times where we get little hints and clues from Oda that something is going on with Sanji and now that we have an idea as to what that is, I decided to write out some of the series from his POV with that knowledge in mind.

As an additional note to my FFDotNet readers, Mass x Acceleration will be resuming updates sometime soon. Chapter 32 is in the hands of my beta reader and once it gets the okay it'll be posted.

Stay safe, everyone!

Dixxy


	2. Love

Suffering in Silence  
By Dixxy Mouri  
Love

Puberty had hit Sanji like a freight train and after a horrible year of pimples, a voice that cracked so often Zeff used to joke they could make an omelet from the sound, and some pretty terrible coordination as his arms and legs grew faster than what he was used to, he came out the other side looking like the prince he desperately wished he wasn't.

It was funny, really – a lot of the girls who went to the Baratie used to fantasize about meeting a dreamy prince in disguise to sweep them off their feet and take them away from it all, never knowing that the man with a smile on his face, a cigarette in his mouth, and a tray full of food and drinks and desserts was exactly the kind of person they were talking about. They all had their own ideas of what this entailed, of course, but Sanji was reasonably certain most of the other young men in his position wouldn't have dreamed of leaving the lap of luxury to go be a cook in the middle of the quietest of the Big Blues.

Then again, most of them didn't come from _them_. These girls wanted their knight in shining armor to ride in on a white horse and whisk them away to a land of fairy tales, but all he'd be able to bring them was blood and despair . . . if they knew who he was. As long as they thought he was just a cook, then he could still try and make them happy.

Sanji suspected girls would be flinging themselves at him left and right if he'd stayed home, and he could have had any girl he wanted for a lover (though he was less certain about having any girl he wanted for a wife – that was a decision he was never truly sure would have been his own, even before he left). But that was fine – he enjoyed the chase, making every success that much sweeter.

 _He_ would have been _furious_ if he knew he'd managed to discard his virginity by seventeen, the key word being "discard". Sanji was too young at the time he left to know for sure how _they_ felt about it, but virgins were more "desirable" for arranged marriages, even among prospective grooms. Knowing this, getting laid was a top priority, and not just in the sense that he was a sixteen-year-old boy so of course getting between a girl's legs was a top priority.

Sanji slept with the first girl who said "yes". He didn't love her, and she didn't love him, and there was a silent understanding between them that they both had ulterior motives, but he couldn't deny that it had been fun while it lasted, she'd enjoyed it as much as he had (making himself last more than five minutes his first time _for the win!_ ) and the satisfaction of making himself at least partially ruined to _them_ made him feel just the tiniest bit safer.

Then again, Sanji would come to regret that decision years later when he saw that orange haired girl laughing with the new chore boy's crew. Something about her enthralled him – her laugh, her smile, that hair – she was something special, and he grimaced in remembrance of that one night three years earlier.

Well, maybe it didn't matter – he was nobody now, or at least that's what he was trying to stick with (and, well, with how long he'd been gone maybe he really _was_ a "nobody" by that point anyways – they had to have stopped looking for him by now, right?). And it wasn't as big of a deal for normal nobodies, right? Maybe she wouldn't care, maybe she'd been with someone else by then, too.

Sanji was fascinated with her, even more so when she stole the man who would be his new captain's boat. He wanted to learn more about her, more about Monkey D. Luffy, and . . . it seemed as if this was it, this was the chance to go find All Blue that enchanted him, and he found himself agreeing to the voyage. He was still afraid of _them_ , but somehow, this felt too right, too perfect to ignore. Maybe it was that orange haired woman, maybe it was this crazy kid with the rubber body screaming about becoming the Pirate King, but it was finally time.

Sanji really wanted to see the look on her face when he showed her the All Blue.

* * *

The life that the orange haired girl was a nightmare.

Forced to work for a master she hated . . . detested by those around her . . . Sanji didn't want to admit it, and he hid behind his affections for her, but he related. He didn't see Arlong's stupid face, he saw _him_. He didn't see the people of Cocoyashi Village, but the people all over the North Blue that _they_ had terrorized.

When he saw her screaming in the streets, desperately trying to rid herself of the tattoo that man had etched into her skin, Sanji barely kept his composure. This was what his life would have been like if he'd stayed in the North Blue. A puppet for _his_ schemes, just like she was a puppet for those fishmen. He related to her more than she'd ever know. Sanji knew that pain all-too well, and he decided he was going to free her, just like he'd freed himself all those years ago.

 _Nami-san . . . your prince is here to rescue you, and take you away from all of this . . ._


	3. Spices

Suffering in Silence  
By Dixxy Mouri  
Spices

Somehow, despite the non-stop clusterfuck the first nineteen years of his life had been, Sanji's life somehow managed to get a lot more chaotic once he joined Monkey D. Luffy. He didn't think it was possible – he was already a runaway prince, he'd survived a shipwreck that nearly starved him to death, and he'd spent most of his formative years being raised by an ex-pirate. And yet, all of that felt so simple compared to life with the Straw Hat Pirates.

 _What a lame name for a pirate crew,_ he'd thought to himself. He wondered how Luffy felt about it, or even if he had any feelings about it at all. His captain did really love that straw hat (Nami-san eventually told him the story behind it – he had no idea the hat held _that_ much sentimental value), and, well, he'd heard worse names for a pirate crew before. They couldn't all be the Badass McAwesome Pirates, after all.

But even if he had mixed feelings on the name of the crew had ended up with, he couldn't say that being one of the five Straw Hats wasn't _interesting_ as all hell. Maybe it was because after so many years of fighting off pirate crew after pirate crew they all felt like the same group over and over again, but being in the midst of Luffy's crew made it all the more clear where one member started and another ended.

Luffy was like a drop of hot sauce, able to make event the tamest of situations all the more exciting, and it really didn't take much to get the desired (or undesired) effect. Of course too much could be a bit much to handle. But, then again, after seeing him fight at the Baratie and against the fishmen, he knew that Zeff was right about this man, and Sanji was compelled to follow him to the ends of the Earth. He was just as essential as salt.

Zoro was like garlic – strong, resilient, and stubborn. He didn't give up easily, even after he nearly died at the hands of Hawkeye Mihawk. Garlic was fantastic in small doses, but too much could be a bit of a turn-off, which was pretty close to Sanji's feelings about the swordsman. While he definitely didn't _distrust_ the green haired man or anything, the two had a tendency to clash. Sometimes he wondered if it was because they were so different, but he ultimately decided it was because they were so similar.

Usopp was like cinnamon. The man was more versatile than a first glance might tell you. Sanji's first impression of the liar was, well, it was a question – what the hell was this man doing on a pirate vessel? He was scared of just about everything and didn't seem to be taking anything seriously. But as he got to know him, he learned that he was a talented artist, a genius inventor, and possibly the best sharpshooter he'd ever laid eyes on (and he did it all with a _slingshot_?). Most people saw cinnamon and thought of cinnamon rolls or cookies, but there was no end to what it could be used for – teas, curries, sauces, cider . . . it was a surprisingly spice to say the least, much like the sniper.

Nami-san was ginger . . . and not just because of her beautiful orange hair. No, Sanji found her to hot and spicy, but her presence could also be very soothing at the same time, a pallet cleanser for the rest of their rambunctious crew. It could be sweet like candy, but still had a bite beneath its surface. She was smart, probably smarter than Usopp (hell, probably smarter than _all of them_ ), and was quite a talent herself – a thief, a navigator, a cartographer, and the voice of reason when they all needed it most.

Sanji wasn't really sure what he was. He finally decided he was a curry powder, but that wasn't any one thing. Curry powder was a blend of other spices, and no two curry powders were quite the same. True, a refined pallet could pick out the individual spices and see what it was really made of and determine just how good or bad the curry powder was, but most people would just slurp it down with the meat, vegetables, potatoes, and rice without a second thought.

 _Just like me._

Maybe someone from North Blue would recognize _their_ trademark eyebrows, but it wasn't as if the trait hadn't spread around the sea with time. Sometimes it was as simple as distant relatives becoming more and more distant over time and losing power to _them_. Sometimes one of the men would have an "accident" with a woman outside of their station so there were probably a number of bastard children with _their_ blood running through their veins.

All he had to do was write-off any observations made about his eyebrows as one of the above. He figured most people would by that story – it was simple enough, after all, and what were the chances? As long as they assumed he was a mix of simple ingredients that looked better than it was that was all he needed. Luffy and the others wouldn't question his curry – curry was curry to them, and that was fine. He could stay with them for a long time on that story.

As a little joke to himself, he always kept the spices he likened to the rest of the crew on the top shelf of his spice rack – a small bottle of hot sauce, a few cinnamon sticks, some cloves of garlic, ginger root, and a very good curry powder that had surprised him in one port. Still, there was room on that top shelf for more spices, and he realized that there were still a number of roles they had yet to fill. No doctor, no shipwright, no helmsman . . . and a musician that Luffy had decided he wanted pretty badly.

Sanji didn't do much with that top shelf of spices (he even had bottles of ground cinnamon, garlic, and ginger on the lower shelves that he used more often), but he did use them for special occasions. He wasn't sure if anyone picked up on, but to him? These were extra special. He only used them if they had something to celebrate, such as their successful voyage up and down Reverse Mountain (a trip that, even though he _knew_ this was the right crew to be sailing with, had made him a little nervous because he knew _they_ might there) or the night they escaped with their lives from Whiskey Peak with a princess in tow.

And that princess, while not quite earning a spot on his spice rack yet, had a surprising aftertaste he didn't see coming.

 _"Sanji-san . . . can I ask you a question?"_

 _. . ._

 _"It's . . . have we met somewhere before?"_


	4. Royalty

Suffering in Silence  
By Dixxy Mouri  
Royalty

"Sanji-san . . . can I ask you a question?"

It was sometime after they left Whiskey Peak and begun their mad mission to bring Vivi Nefeltari, the princess of Arabasta, back to her kingdom. They were en route to Little Garden, a place that the mysterious Miss All Sunday had tried to dissuade them from traveling to. It was late, with Sanji up in the crow's nest to take watch when he received his unexpected visitor.

Sanji gave her a smile – she wasn't his Nami-san, but she was still quite cute. "How can I help you, Vivi-chan?" He grinned like a fool, shuffling over to give her room to sit with him. "Are you hungry and craving something only I can make you? Are you lonely and need someone to keep you company?" The princess took the seat beside him, but was staring at him strangely, like she was studying his face. Sanji frowned. "Is something wrong?"

Vivi looked around to make sure they were alone. "It's . . . have we met somewhere before?"

Sanji laughed, his cigarette between his fingers as he leaned against the edges of the crow's next. "Come now, Vivi-chan, when would we have possibly met before? When and where would I have ever met the Princess of Arabasta before now?" But as Vivi continued to look him over, it slowly dawned on him that it actually wasn't outside the realm of possibility.

 _Vivi-chan . . . is a princess . . . I guess it's possible . . ._

Sanji kept a straight face once it dawned on him. Of course. It was entirely possible he'd met a much, much younger Vivi at some point in the past. Although the most common place for royal families to have chance encounters was the Reverie, it wasn't the only place it could have happened. There were parties and meetings and treaty signings . . . lots of places it could have happened.

He did vaguely remember the tears of a five-year old princess with blue hair at a party . . .

. . . and her pet _duck_. . .

. . . _SHIT._

"I don't know, maybe it's nothing but . . . you just . . . seem . . . familiar . . ."

Sanji put his cigarette back into his mouth. "Vivi-chan, that's ridiculous." _No it's not – you'd fallen and scraped your knee, and_ they _made fun of you. I gave you a chocolate bar to try and make you feel better because I didn't want to see you crying. You thanked me and gave me a hug._ He cracked a grin. "Maybe you've been dreaming about me at night?"

VIvi frowned. "That's not it and you know it."

"Vivi-chan, please, I'm just a simple cook – Luffy found me working at a restaurant in the East Blue and . . ." Sanji slowed, seeing the expression on Vivi's face change. He felt his throat go dry. There was a sign of recognition in her eyes. _Don't . . . don't . . . brush it off like it's nothing, Vivi-chan . . ._

". . . you gave me a chocolate bar."

Sanji nearly swallowed his cigarette.

Vivi leaned closer, touching the side of his face. ". . . yeah, yeah that _was_ you, wasn't it?"

Internally, Sanji was in full on panic mode. Externally, he tried to keep it together, but he could tell he was falling apart. "Vivi-chan, I . . . I never . . . I never . . . I never met you before-"

"Didn't . . . didn't one of the Vinsmoke children disappear a while back?"

"W, well, you see, um, sometimes there's, um, accidents, and, um, distant cousins-"

"-oh my God _._ " VIvi's eyes went wide before covering her mouth with both hands. "It _is_ you!"

Sanji felt his stomach sink and he stared at her in wide eyed horror. In all his years of running, this was the first time anyone had figured out who he was. He gripped the Going Merry's railing and bit down on his cigarette, trying to regain his composure. "I . . . I . . . you . . . um . . . I . . ." His eyes were frantically searching the deck for a sign of the others, but it appeared he and Vivi were alone.

Vivi put her fingers over his lips. ". . . you don't want the others to know, do you?"

Sanji stayed quiet. There was no getting out of this. She _knew_. She _really knew_.

Vivi leaned against the side of the crow's next and crossed her arms. "If I promise not to say anything to Luffy and the others, can you talk to me about it?" she said. She closed her eyes. "I'm not stupid, you know – I know what those people do. And I know that they'd been searching for their _third son_ for quite some time now – at least the past ten years." She slid to the deck, looking up at him.

Sanii's hands were shaking. "You don't know what it was like," he said. He felt as if his spine wanted to rip itself from his backside. Every nerve in his body wanted to start twitching uncontrollably. It was the first time he'd _acknowledged_ who he was in a very long time, and the feeling made him ill, even to the point where his stomach was starting to lurch and he thought he might lose his dinner.

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder as he struggled to rebuild his composure. He turned to see Vivi was giving him a sympathetic smile, quietly offering him a hug. He gladly accepted, enjoying the moment for what it was – someone who understood the position he was in, someone he could trust with that information. He couldn't even trust the other Straw Hats with this, but her? She got it. She knew what _they_ were like. Luffy would probably try to pick a fight with them – that would be a disaster.

"It's okay – I promise I won't tell."

"Thank you, Vivi-chan."

"But you need to tell them eventually."

Sanji didn't have an answer for her.

Weeks later, Sanji introduced himself to Sir Crocodile and Miss All Sunday as Mr. Prince.

When Vivi found him in the casino fifteen minutes later, he greeted her with a smile, but as she led him back to where the others were being held captive, he saw a pout on her lips.

"You know this doesn't count as telling them."

"I know."

"You still need to tell them eventually."

Sanji frowned as they ran. ". . . yeah. I know."

Author's Notes

I want Straw Hat Royalty Bros to be a thing now. Can we make that a thing? Please?

Note: If you read this on , you may have seen a slightly different version in which Vivi and Sanji met at Reverie. However, Chapter 832 made that extremely unlikely – Vivi would have been six at the Reverie twelve years ago, but Sanji ran away thirteen years ago. If they met at a Reverie, Vivi would have been _two_. So random royal party it is.

Dixxy


	5. Fire

Suffering in Silence  
By Dixxy Mouri  
Fire

Since most of their time was spent out on the sea, it was nice when they had time on an island, even if it was a weird floating island in the sky. But there was something nice about getting to sit around a campfire with his friends (which now included Chopper, who was nothing less than pure sugar, and Robin-chan, a fine cumin) and look at the night sky.

At least, it was nice until the topic of Norland the Liar came up again.

It had all started with a slip of the tongue. They'd come across a copy of the picture book, and Sanji began to reminisce about it. That in and of itself didn't seem like it was out of the ordinary to him, but Nami-san expressed her confusion when she said the book had been published in the North Blue, and Sanji felt his spine tense up in fright.

 _SHIT._

Backed into a corner, Sanji had no choice but to show a little of his hand. He "casually" admitted to the other Straw Hats that he was from the North Blue. As expected, this garnered some surprise from his companions, who'd assumed he was from the East Blue (which was exactly what he'd wanted them to think, although to be fair that was the ocean where he spent most of his formative years so he might as well have been from there). He chuckled, quipping that he thought he'd told them before (he hadn't) and then brushed it off as if wasn't a big deal (it absolutely _was_ ). He then rattled off what he knew about the book, trying to divert their attention to the stupid kid's book and not the revelation he'd just made about him. That seemed to sufficiently keep their interest, and he took a drag on his cigarette to hide his sigh of relief.

 _That_ had been a close call.

Although he should have been satisfied when that particular fire had been put out, he chose to keep his distance from his crew while Montblanc Cricket, one of Montblanc Norland's descendants, told his side of the story about how his ancestor wasn't a liar and that he was going to prove it and blah, blah, blah, Sanji didn't care. Even though he'd gotten their attention was from that information for now, it was still out there. They _knew_ he was from North Blue now. How long was it before someone pieced together who he really was? Robin-chan in particular seemed pretty well-versed in world culture . . . how long before she realized he looked just like one of _them_?

He had focused a bit much on those cigarettes, hadn't he?

And now that they were up on a Sky Island (. . . which was new even for him . . .), they were talking about that story again while they camped out. For once, his nerves were getting the better of him, and he could feel sweat dripping down his neck. He told himself it was just the heat of the fire he was currently cooking over, but he couldn't avoid the story again. There were too many other important things to talk about, like how to deal with this "god" of Skypiea who wanted to kill them so badly, and since it seemed like that _fucking kid's book_ was suddenly integral to what they were doing, he had no choice but to involve himself in the conversation.

It was like being raked over the coals.

Thankfully none of them brought up his sea of birth again, which allowed him a little time to relax. Instead he focused on helping Zoro build their bonfire for the evening, and when they were later joined by a pack of friendly wolves (. . . all right . . .) he allowed himself to get caught up in the antics with . . . whatever the hell that was about.

But once it was all said and done and he was in his sleeping bag for the night, his stomach felt ill. No one had mentioned his sea of birth in a while, so maybe they'd all forgotten by now. Maybe this wouldn't be a complete disaster after all.

Sanji fell into a fitful slumber, dreaming of everything and everyone he loved in flames.

* * *

Author's Notes

Yes I realize this is . . . super late, and at this point I don't think I'll have it all out by August 1 (unless I hit THE ZONE or something) but I do think this is going to be easy enough to finish, just not necessarily by the end of 32 days of Sanji.

Also, like, new chapters of _One Piece_ may effect how this is all going to end, especially as people point out stuff on Tumblr and I make inhuman noises while looking at my computer because OH MY GOD GUYS 833 WHAT THE HELL ODA *cries forever*.

Dixxy


End file.
